I love my partner, but we don’t have sex anymore.

Apr 7

Written By Lucille Shackleton

Does this sound like you?

I love my partner, but we don’t have sex anymore.

I love my partner, but it feels like we’re roommates.

I love my partner, and we’re best friends, but I’m just not interested in having s3x with them anymore.

I love my partner, but it feels like more of a friendship than a relationship.

These are some of the most common statements I hear when folks start sex therapy. They’ll say... when we first began dating, the sex was great, but as the relationship went on somehow we lost the fire. The sexual part of their relationship became dull and repetitive, so they had it less and less. They got stressed, and busy, and then all of a sudden, they hadn’t had sex in months!

If this sounds familiar, then this is for you. In this post, I am going to give you some things to reflect upon to explore your sexual connection with your partner, and your relationship with yourself as a sexual being, as well as provide you with some questions to explore together. I do this in the hopes it will encourage you to talk with one another about what you’re experiencing because when managing differences in desire communication is key. Here goes...

Reflection questions about your sexual relationship with your partner (for you):

What does sex mean to you at this point in your life? Is it important to you to have sexual intimacy in your relationship?
Do you feel comfortable expressing your desires to your partner?
Who initiates? Is initiation done in a way that makes sex enticing?
When sex does happen, is it enjoyable?
When you think about the kind of sex you really want, how would it be different from the sex you have now?
What do you get from sex with your partner that you don’t get from solo sex?

Reflection questions about your relationship with yourself as a sexual being:

How comfortable do you feel in your body? Does the way you feel about your body impact your desire for sex?
What does it feel like to be aroused in your body? What tends to trigger that feeling?
Do you feel like you can express your desires without judgment?
Do you tend to feel desire in response to your partner? Or does it happen spontaneously?
What are your brakes (turn-offs) and accelerators (turn-ons)?
Are you aware of how your capacity affects you sexually? By capacity, I mean your level of stress, your mental health, and the mental and emotional load you carry day to day.

Reflection questions to explore together to talk more openly about s3x and desire:

What does sex mean to each of you in this relationship?
What is your favorite memory of a sexual experience you’ve shared together? What made it so good?
What brings each of you pleasure? What feels good to you?
What impact does the environment and your capacity have on you getting in the mood? e.g. stress, a messy space, relational issues etc.
Have you made sex too serious? Has this lull created pressure that’s making it hard to get re-connected?
What would a satisfying sex life look and feel like to you?
Take turns sharing the things that most turn you on about your partner.

Lulls in desire and libido are totally normal in long-term relationships. The problems often happen because we avoid talking about it. It might be awkward to bring up, but one thing I can assure you from all the research I have read on the topic is …. good communication not only helps you navigate differences in desire and libido, but it also helps you feel better about it because you more deeply understand one another.

Be brave. Talk it out. Be curious and listen to one another with an open mind.