Help! My libido/level of desire has changed, and I don’t know why!
Have you ever asked yourself:
I used to be so into it, but now I feel like my libido is gone. What happened?
Why do I want sex so much sometimes, and other times, I couldn’t care less?
Is there something wrong with me if I don't want intimacy as much as before?
How do I get my libido back?
Our relationship is good, and we love each other, but I just don’t feel like having sex. What’s going on?
My partner wants sex more often than I do (or less often than I do). How do we fix this?
When I work with people who want to understand changes in desire and libido, I use a bio, psycho, social, and relational model. In this post, I will give you an inside look at what the exploration into desire and libido involves and how you can use the model to better understand your own experience of and relationship to sex and sexuality.
If you are experiencing mismatched desire or changes in your libido, then let the R.S.B.P guide help you understand what might be the cause and how to navigate the experience and changes.
R.S.B.P stands for:
Relational Factors
Social Factors
Biological Factors
Psychological Factors
Let’s explore each one in more detail.
Relational Factors
The state of the relationship and emotional connection impact desire and libido.
Questions to reflect upon:
Is the sex you’re having worth wanting?
Are you having the type and quality of sex you actually desire?
Is there built-up resentment or unresolved conflicts creating emotional distance?
Do you feel wanted and safe?
Is there enough exploration, novelty, and curiosity to keep it interesting?
Is there enough emotional connection and intimacy?
Social Factors
Your beliefs, values, and past sexual experiences influence the way you think and feel about s**. This then influences desire and libido.
Questions to reflect upon:
What does sex mean to you?
How have culture and religion influenced your thoughts and feelings about sex?
What messages did you receive from the media about sex, desire, and sexuality?
Do you have any beliefs, thoughts, or expectations about how sex ‘should’ be?
Do you experience any shame when it comes to sex, what you desire, or your sexuality?
Biological factors
Biological factors (changes in your body) influence your experience of desire or libido.
Questions to reflect upon:
Have you changed or started medications? Some medications can impact libido. I am NOT saying to stop taking medications, but it can help to work with your doctor to explore potential side effects of medications.
Are you experiencing hormonal changes e.g., after giving birth, menopause, or a drop in testosterone?
Are you getting enough sleep? How is your diet, and do you exercise regularly?
Do you experience much stress?
Are you experiencing other health conditions?
Psychological factors
Psychological factors and your relationship with your body impact your experience of desire and libido.
Questions to reflect upon:
How is your mental health?
How is your level of sexual self-esteem?
How do you feel about your body?
Have you had any negative sexual experiences that may be impacting the way you think and feel about s**?
Are you aware of the type of desire you experience? e.g. spontaneous, responsive, contextual.
Do you experience performance anxiety?
How can this model help? First, you can use it to explore what might be the cause of changes in desire or libido. Once you’ve identified the cause, you can implement changes to increase desire.
Some examples:
If you review the model and realise you’re not feeling connected in you’re relationship and that’s leading to reduced desire... you can work on increasing emotional intimacy and connection.
If you review the model and realise you’re super stressed and not getting enough sleep and that’s impacting your libido, you can prioritise self-care and your health as a way of addressing the changes in libido.
This post is not a replacement for therapy; the goal of this post is to help you better understand your own experience of and relationship to sex and sexuality.
Love,
Lucille
