what to do when desire levels don’t match

Having different levels of desire is something many couples navigate. It's called a desire gap. It's totally normal. Just because your sexual appetites differ doesn't mean there is anything wrong.

It can be due to health, stress levels, relationship factors, life events, or a range of other reasons. People also seek intimacy for different reasons, so while one person may like sex as a stress relief, another may find stress is a total desire killer. This is why it's important to explore what drives desire for you and your partner.

Areas to explore if you experience a desire gap:

• What are your brakes and accelerators? Accelerators are things that get you going. They increase desire and enhance libido. Brakes are things that slow or shut down your libido and feelings of desire.

• Do you feel spontaneous desire, responsive desire, or is it dependent on the context?

• When do you feel desire most often? e.g,. time of day, location, and circumstance.

• Do you have any beliefs about how often couples should have sex? If so, where did they come from?

• How do you define a satisfying and fulfilling sexual experience?

• How do you prefer to communicate about your sexual needs and preferences?

  What turns you on or makes you feel desired and appreciated in your sexual relationship?

• How would you like to handle moments when one of you isn't in the mood for sex?

• How can you create an environment where both of you feel comfortable discussing any changes or issues related to your sex life?

• What does a healthy and balanced sexual relationship look like to you?

• What does intimacy mean to you inside and outside the bedroom?

Given the intricate nature of human sexuality, it's important to approach differences in desire with empathy and understanding. Remember that everyone's comfort level with discussing these topics may differ, and it's essential to be kind and patient. 

You can start by creating an environment where both you and your partner feel safe sharing your thoughts and desires without judgment. Effective communication can foster a stronger emotional connection and lead to a more satisfying and fulfilling sexual relationship.

I hope this helps.

Lucille