“Love should happen on my terms."

This shadow sounds like: “If you really care, you’ll act how I need you to act.”

You want closeness too quickly. You feel irritated when partners don’t meet your pace. Slow responses feel like rejection. You compare partners to an internal ideal and silently resent them when they don’t measure up.

The patterns it creates:

Idealization → Expectation → Disappointment → Withdrawal → Resentment → Repeat

The behaviours:

Pulling away, punishing, judging, over-analysing, testing your partner’s loyalty.

Types of partners you attract:

Avoidants who reinforce your fears, passive partners who collapse under pressure, or partners who play the role you want rather than who they really are.

Why it matters:

Entitlement is a protector. It steps in when vulnerability feels too risky. Until you see it and shift it, it will quietly hijack your relationships.

"My worth comes from what I give / My needs don’t matter."

This shadow sounds like “If I sacrifice enough, fix enough, or make myself indispensable, I’ll be loved and safe.”

You over-give, over-function, and constantly put your partner’s needs above your own. You suppress your emotions, push your needs aside, and feel guilty when you try to receive. Love feels conditional, earned through effort, sacrifice, or being “needed.”

The patterns it creates:

Finding needy partners → Over-giving and fixing → Feeling drained, unseen, or resentful → Collapsing or leaving → Repeating with a new partner.

The behaviours:

Fixing, rescuing, caretaking, people-pleasing, self-sacrifice, emotional suppression, tolerating imbalance, and over-investing in unreciprocated relationships.

Types of partners you attract:

Under-functioning or emotionally unavailable partners, partners who rely on your care instead of meeting you as an equal, or partners who unconsciously reinforce your pattern of over-giving

Why it matters:

This block is a protective strategy; it kept you safe when love felt conditional or your needs weren’t met. But now, it erases your needs, attracts imbalance, and traps you in unbalanced relationships. Until you recognise it, it quietly hijacks your capacity to receive love fully.

"I can’t rely on anyone."

This shadow sounds like “I can only count on myself. Letting anyone in is too risky. They only let me down.”

You keep people at a distance, emotionally and sometimes physically. You pride yourself on handling everything alone and not needing anyone. You are capable, you likely overvalue autonomy and mistake emotional closeness for danger. Vulnerability feels unsafe, even with partners who are available and caring.

The pattern it creates:

Craving connection → Feeling engulfed → Pulling back → Partner becomes frustrated and either withdraws or increases intensity→ “See? People always need too much.

The behaviours:

Emotional withdrawal, avoiding dependency, shutting down during intimacy, over-functioning alone, and over-planning for self-sufficiency.

Types of partners you attract:

Partners who are needy or emotionally expressive may feel “too much.” Avoidant partners who respect distance feel safe but reinforce isolation. You often attract people who can’t or won’t meet you in interdependent ways.

Why it matters:

Hyper-independence is a protective strategy. It kept you safe when emotional closeness felt risky or overwhelming. But now, it blocks intimacy, pushes love away, and creates frustration in those you date. Until you see it, your relationships stay surface-level or unbalanced.

"Things always happen to me."

This shadow sounds like “I have no control over what happens in love, so why even try? The same things keep happening no matter what I do”

You feel acted upon rather than active in your relationships. Life and love often feel like they “happen to you.” You may feel stuck, resentful, or constantly frustrated that partners aren’t meeting your needs.

The pattern it creates:

Feeling powerless → Choosing dominant or controlling partners → Feeling overpowered → Belief reinforced: “I can’t influence love.”

The behaviours:

Avoiding responsibility, giving up easily, deferring decisions, tolerating imbalance, relying on rescuers, blaming circumstances instead of exploring agency.

Types of partners you attract:

Controllers, rescuers, emotionally dominant, or chaotic partners who unconsciously reinforce your sense of helplessness.

Why it matters:

This shadow is a learned strategy from feeling powerless in childhood. It helped you survive environments where you truly had limited control. But now, it recreates powerlessness, keeps you stuck in cycles of dependency, and prevents you from fully owning your choice and agency in love.

"I must earn love through giving, doing, and fixing, otherwise it disappears."

This shadow isn’t just about being nice or generous; it’s a survival strategy rooted in fear of rejection. This block sounds like “If I’m not helpful, likeable, or perfect, I won’t be loved.”

You sacrifice your needs to gain approval. You over-apologise, accommodate, and over-function in relationships. You may feel resentful, burned out, or invisible, but worry that asserting yourself will push love away.

The pattern it creates:

Desire love → People-please → Temporary approval → Feel resentful or unseen → Reinforce “I must earn love”.

The behaviours:

Over-accommodation, caretaking, over-explaining, suppressing needs, avoiding conflict, striving for perfection, prioritising others above self.

Types of partners you attract:

Partners who (consciously or unconsciously) exploit compliance, avoid responsibility, or take without giving. Often, emotionally unavailable or very self-focused partners who reinforce the pattern.

Why it matters:

The pattern of people-pleasing often started as a protective strategy. It helped you survive environments where love felt conditional. But now, it erases your needs, prevents authentic intimacy, and keeps you trapped in relationships where your worth feels dependent on service or approval.

"Reality isn’t safe; so I escape to fantasy."

This shadow keeps you attached to ideas of people and fantasies of situations instead of the reality of who they actually are and what is happening. It sounds like: “They’re not like other people, I can see who they really are.”

You fall in love with potential rather than reality. You may overlook red flags, rationalise incompatibilities, or rush attachment. The thrill of possibility feels safer than the vulnerability of seeing someone as they truly are.

The pattern it creates:

Idealise → Invest → Reality intrudes → Deny → Crash → Repeat

The behaviours:

Projecting fantasies onto partners, ignoring incompatibilities, rushing attachment, staying in relationships past clarity, and romanticising rather than accepting humanness and imperfection.

Types of partners you attract:

Emotionally distant, unavailable, or inconsistent partners who trigger longing and projection; people who feed the “potential” rather than reality.

Why it matters:

This shadow is a former protective strategy that once helped you cope when real intimacy felt unsafe or painful. It was safer to escape into fantasy than deal with a reality you had no control over as a child. But now, it keeps you stuck chasing ideas instead of connecting with real people, often leaving you disappointed, confused, or addicted to hope.

"Love is limited, there’s not enough for me."

This shadow is rooted in fear of not having enough love, which drives you to settle, cling, or tolerate “almost enough.” It sounds like: “If I don’t chase, hold on, or please, I’ll be left.”

You feel anxious, hyper-vigilant, and desperate for reassurance. Love often feels fragile or conditional. Even when someone is present, you question if it’s enough, scanning for evidence that it will disappear.

The pattern it creates:

Perceive scarcity → Cling/over-give → Temporary relief → Rejection or withdrawal → Reinforce scarcity belief → Repeat

The behaviours:

Over-investing in unavailable partners, tolerating less than you deserve, people-pleasing, constant reassurance-seeking, and over-analysing interactions.

Types of partners you attract:

Emotionally unavailable, inconsistent, or “hot-and-cold” partners who trigger your fear of scarcity and keep you looping in anxiety and over-giving.

Why it matters:

This shadow often comes from being abandoned in childhood or experiencing love that felt unpredictable or limited. But now, it keeps you stuck in patterns of chasing, tolerating crumbs, and confusing anxiety for chemistry, preventing you from experiencing secure, consistent love.

"Something is wrong with me."

This shadow comes from a core belief that you’re fundamentally not enough, which drives people-pleasing, over-giving, perfectionism, and self-neglect. It sounds like: “I have to earn love because I’m not inherently worthy of it.”

You feel anxious about rejection, desperate for validation, and constantly measure yourself against others. Even when love is present, you doubt it, downplay your needs, or overcompensate to feel worthy.

The pattern it creates:

Craving connection → Accepting inadequacy → Feeling unseen → Reinforcing “I’m not enough” → Repeat

The behaviours:

Over-performing in relationships, tolerating crumbs, people-pleasing, self-neglect, and choosing partners who reflect your insecurities.

Types of partners you attract:

Takers, or emotionally unavailable partners who mirror your internal sense of inadequacy.

Why it matters:

The shadow, as painful as it is, often develops to keep you striving for connection when internal validation felt unsafe or inconsistent. But now, it keeps you stuck settling, overcompensating, and reinforcing the very beliefs that prevent you from feeling truly loved and seen.

"I am only safe when I’m in control."

This shadow is a fear-driven attempt to manage love. It’s the part of you that thinks: “If I don’t direct or oversee how this relationship unfolds, something will go wrong.”

You feel anxious when things are unpredictable, hyper-aware of potential relational threats, and compelled to micromanage. Spontaneity and natural flow feel unsafe. Partners may feel pressured or restricted.

The pattern it creates:

Perceived threat → Attempt to control → Temporary relief → Partner resists → Reinforce “I must control to feel safe”

The behaviours:

Micromanaging schedules, emotions, interactions or the pace of the relationship, difficulty letting go, creating rules or expectations to manage uncertainty, and emotional guardedness.

Types of partners you attract:

Partners who either resist control, withdraw under pressure, or adapt to avoid conflict creating cycles of tension and distance.

Why it matters:

This shadow is often formed when early love felt unpredictable or unsafe. While it was developed to keep you safe and secure, now it creates power struggles, prevents authentic intimacy, makes partners feel controlled and potentially unsafe, and limits closeness, keeping relationships superficial or imbalanced.

"Love = intensity. Love = unpredictability."

This shadow is the part of you that equates love with intensity and unpredictability, believing that calm or steady love is unsafe or uninteresting. It sounds like: “Love needs to be intense and exciting; if it’s calm, I get bored.”

You’re drawn to drama, emotional highs and lows, and often end up in high-conflict connections. You may feel alive in crises but empty in stability. Calm, predictable connection can feel boring, unsafe, or unfamiliar.

The pattern it creates:

Early unpredictability → Hypervigilance/reactivity → Attract or create drama → Temporary adrenaline high → Reinforce “love is unsafe”

The behaviours:

Seeking “exciting” partners, tolerating emotional intensity, creating or escalating conflict subconsciously, reacting impulsively, and testing partners’ commitment.

Types of partners you attract:

Emotionally intense, inconsistent, or unavailable partners who mirror chaos; sometimes those with narcissistic tendencies.

Why it matters:

This shadow is a protective strategy from childhood, formed to keep you safe in unpredictable environments and make sense of the unpredictability of the people who were supposed to care for you. Now, it mistakes instability for passion, keeps relationships intense but exhausting, and prevents you from settling into safe, consistent love.